simplicity at its finest
I feel trapped.
FUCK YOU BITCHES. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE. I BET - NO, I HOPE - HE WENT TO ASK FOR YOUR FUCKING OPINION AGAIN SINCE YOU’RE SO FUCKING SMART AND I HOPE YOU BOTH LIVE A FUCKING HAPPY LIFE TOGETHER BECAUSE I AM FED UP WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU WHORE, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN WONDERFUL FUCKING BOYFRIEND, SO LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
lol when your mom comes into your room at 5:30 in the morning and scares the shit out of you
yay, it’s 5am and I’ve only got 400/1600 words on my essay. guess today’s gonna be shittier than I expected, and I already expected the worst.
I don’t want anything from anyone who doesn’t love me, and that’s the fucking truth. If someone can’t give me the most basic thing, then there’s no fucking way I’m asking for more. If someone can’t give me love and respect, then get away from me and don’t come back.
Just leave me alone. I don’t need anything or anyone.
I once had a conversation with a friend about relationships, both platonic and romantic. We were both alike, and maybe that’s why we were friends in the first place. We wanted to find out what ‘made other people tick.’ We were curious, we liked getting to know people inside and out. It shows you care and find that person interesting enough to be worth your time getting to know.
I am that way. It’s not prying - you have to know where the boundaries are, and I would never try to delve into someone’s mind without them being okay with it and perhaps wanting to delve into mine. I don’t push where people don’t want me to go, and I don’t try to stick my nose into other people’s business. I only offer my services as a shoulder to cry or lean on and a listening and sympathetic ear, and that’s all some people need. But sometimes people need a little more, they need a little effort from me to show that I actually care and want to be a part of their lives and when I realize that, I’m glad to oblige and show them.
I think part of the problem is that I don’t have many people like this in my life. No one gives a shit anymore, and I miss the ones that do, or did, so badly. I keep listening to songs from freshman year of high school for some reason and it’s bringing back all those feelings from that era and I miss so many people from back then when times were simple and they were actually free enough to lend me the ear I needed or when I was still enough of a whole, unbroken person to be interesting and worth getting to know.
It’s always ups and downs nowadays in my mood. I am getting more and more convinced of my bipolar, depression, or whatever, and it bothers me because no one wants to be labeled mentally unstable or neurotic or whatever. I want to fix it but there’s just so much that I’ve lost, and that I haven’t gained, and I feel like a pull at any single thread of my barely stitched together life will unravel the whole fucking thin fabric of my life. I need to be alone, but I need to be around people, and people who actually give a damn. I see other people who used to be in my life, and I see them so happy without me, and it makes me a little sad honestly. I don’t know what happened, but I think I have let go too many people who would have actually cared about me deeply, whether they already did or they would have come to. I’m not going to name names but I can say that I deeply regret at least a few big decisions of my life. I feel completely worthless and wasted and I need someone SOMEONE to give me the right kind of love and find the parts of me still worth loving because I don’t know what those are at this point. I wish I didn’t fuck it all up and make the wrong decisions, because I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I wish I were still the happy carefree girl of freshman year in high school, when I was so convinced I could have a fresh start and forget all my troubles. I think I need that again, perhaps could have had that with college, but I didn’t take advantage of it. When is the next fresh start? Grad school? Getting a job? Do I need to move to a different city and cut off connections with everyone I have ever known? I hope I get the chance to do that someday. I think I need a break from this ‘life’ and I need to go somewhere where no one knows who I am and I need to find some peace with my self being. I won’t find the love that I desperately want/need but maybe if I’m by myself for long enough, I will make peace with being alone.
throwback to freshman year of high school.
on a lighter note, my forever21 bag is full of shit and I can’t buy it because I need to save up money for always sigh
also, I hate that but there’s nothing I can do about it so I just have to live with and deal with it. sometimes I really want to do the one thing that would make it all go away and disappear, but I’m honestly scared that it’s permanent now and if I do that what if I find out that I’m left with the same negative feelings and I can’t deal
can someone just give me tons of money so I can buy useless shit to keep me preoccupied
God I feel fucked up and scared. I want to die but I don’t. Everything is fucked up forever, there is no going back. I’m shaking, I’m scared, I’m seeing demons. have I finally cracked. I’m veritably insane.
I’ve never felt this way before, or not to this extent. ‘Numb’ is the word they use, but it’s too careless for that word. I don’t care if I die alone: hundreds of people die alone every day I’m sure. 50% of marriages don’t work out and of the other 50%, I’m willing to bet 99% of them are unhappy. Why is love so unattainable. It’s because we’re selfish, or at least I am. A selfish fucked up slut who will die alone because I don’t know how to love. But how can that be? I love so much it hurts. Who cares. If I did die alone, what would it matter. Maybe if I were 90 and alone people might pity me, but I don’t plan on being pitied. And anyway, the younger you die, the more people can say that you had so much potential or that you had such a bright future ahead of you or whatever other bullshit people say out loud to one another to pretend they care. People who don’t even talk to me will use my death as an excuse to show how ‘sensitive’ they are when they couldn’t care less, those bitches. Lol I think that’s half the reason there I haven’t offed myself yet. Fuck I hate everyone. Lol nah I need to maintain my apathy and just not give a fuck. I can’t start to care or else they win. I do not care about dying alone so I can’t care about who thinks I’m selfish or calls me a slut or whatever the fuck they say.